I need you to know this...

I read a blog post a few weeks back about adoption and trauma and it made me sick. I've been thinking about it ever since, and I need to write a response to it because I need you to know a few things. Now, I'm not going to link to the post because I don't want you to read what I believe is an inaccurate response, in light of the Gospel, to raising adopted children who have been traumatized.

What I need you to know is this:

First off, my belief in Jesus, my Christianity, and my whiteness qualify me to be the savior of exactly zero people. I can't even save myself (Romans 3:10-12), I certainly cannot save anyone else. I did not save my children, only Jesus (who, in fact, was not white) can save.

Which brings me to the next thing I need you to know. Adoption is a tragic necessity. I'm sure it's odd for some to read those words coming from me, but I believe it is absolutely true. Even our own adoption as sons and daughters of God was Plan B to our life in the Garden of Eden in perfect relationship to Him. And while our adoption by God is beautiful, it was born out of a devastating reality. This is exactly true of adoption here on earth. Every adoption comes in the wake of a tragedy. A child loses, from whatever circumstance, their first family. No matter how that came to pass, it is devastating. I believe that first families are always Plan A. But the heartbreaking truth is that sometimes (and not even in every case that ends in adoption), children cannot be with their first family. I hope that breaks your heart. Families are sometimes broken apart. That is devastating. And, while I rejoice in my family, I believe that it was not Plan A.
I believe that adoption can be good and happy (obviously), but I need you to know that while I love my family like crazy, we were born out of something I grieve deeply – the breaking apart of families. I am comfortable walking that line, because my children need to know that I still grieve that loss with them and that they can feel the weight of that whenever they need to without the concern that they may hurt my feelings.

Finally, for today, I need you to know that when I react poorly to my child's trauma response to something, that is on me. Repeated early childhood trauma alters the brain, and therefore, it alters the response to situations, the way the brain learns, the life that is lived. That alteration is not the fault of my child, and when I lose patience in response to that I am the one at fault. Listen, it's difficult to parent at all, and yes, it's crazy hard to understand trauma and parent it well. I am failing at it approximately 99% of the time. But, I am the adult, I am the protector, I am the educator, I am the responsible party. I do not get to blame my immaturity on a child who is sorting through all the complexities of life with additional confusing facets to navigate.

I needed to write this so that I can be sure I've been up front with you about my view on adoption. So that if you happen to come across something that declares that adoptive parents are saviors, or that adoption is God's perfect design, or that adoptive parents who are parenting children through hard things deserve praise, I need you to read that with a discerning eye and rotate that viewpoint to see it from all angles so you can reject it for the nonsense it is.

Much love from #thecrazyhouse tonight.